PASSOVER, CNN STYLE

I wish I written this - I found it on the Eugene Volokh (Law Professor, UCLA) site.

If the Passover Story Were Reported by The New York Times or
CNN
by Daniel P. Waxman


The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians
continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues
that have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives
of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this
week in the form of the plague of darkness.

Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is
simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you,"
complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my
reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness,
the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid
enough evidence for me."

While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the
harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the
Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues would let up,
there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the
right of every society."

Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is
justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the
superpower God.

The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish
offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in
the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest
of the world," stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac.

Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded
himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is
feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro
claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the
product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery.
"The Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic
which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro
laments. "The Egyptians are really a very nice people and Pharaoh is
kind of huggable once you get to know him," gushes Shapiro.

The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish
leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out
that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people
only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and
harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the
latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete control of the
taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the
negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through these plagues."

The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi
peace overture. If only the Jews will give up their language, change
their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the
Arab nations will incline toward peace with them, Saudi Crown Prince
Abdullah declared.